(SINGING) It seems today that all you see
ls violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
Well, Chris, looks like another day
of nobody joining us for lunch.
Yeah, we never should have let that blind girl touch our faces.
(FEEDBACK)
SHEPHERD: Attention, students, this is Principal Shepherd
with the lunchtime announcements.
And, as a special treat, I thought I'd deliver them
in the rapping style you kids are so enthused about.
(RAPPING) Later today, you're gonna have a big thrill
'Cause shortly after lunch there'll be a fire drill
And when you go out to wait for the bus, mmm
Go in orderly fashion or your hair will get mussed
You suck!
No, you suck.
I can't hear you. I just presumed
somebody must have yelled, "You suck!"
Anyway, last announcement.
Don't forget, it's time to vote for Homecoming King and Queen.
Nominations are due by 3:00 p.m. today.
Peace out.
No, you're a douchebag!
Wow. Can you imagine if one of us was Homecoming King?
Then people would wanna sit with us at lunch.
Yeah, you should run. I'll nominate you.
You know what? I'll do it.
Maybe I'll surprise everyone.
Like when you find out a buttoned-up librarian
is actually super-sexy.
Excuse me, ma'am?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Hot blooded
Yes?
There's a dead homeless man blocking the card catalog.
Well, last night's episode of Suits was bonkers, right?
Joe, none of us know what that show is.
It was pretty crazy.
There was this one part where Suits
was getting yelled at by his lady boss.
And then, she kissed him.
Well, there goes Jerome loading the urinal up with ice.
Gonna go play me my melting game.
Man, I'm starting to get drunk.
Is it even noon yet?
No, it's only 10:40.
10:40? Oh, crap, we gotta get out of here.
That's when Taco Bell
throws all the breakfast food in the dumpster.
Can't let that raccoon get all of it.
Ooh, man, you're right.
You know, this is great, guys.
Drinking and eating garbage.
I'm glad we all took a mental health day.
Hey, where'd everybody go?
I don't know where they went but someone's gotta pay this check.
Damn it. They left without me and now I'm stuck with the bill?
Man, who do those guys think I am? Mark Zuckerbrothers?
Seems like they do that a lot.
Tell you what, this one's on me.
Thanks, Jerome.
Since there's no one here, do you mind turning the TV up?
That little Lamisil guy always makes me laugh.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
(CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING)
What do you think he is, like, a Martian?
Like, a little shoe-Martian?
I don't know. I just hope he ain't down there in my shoes.
No, he's loud. If he were down there, we'd know it.
I ain't got no toenails nohow.
Hey, everybody, guess what?
I'm running for Homecoming King.
- You're what? - Yeah.
Neil nominated me.
Why are you home from school and Meg's not?
(GASPS) Has she taken a lover?
Well, the voting is tomorrow. So I've gotta write my speech.
Luckily, Chris Griffin rhymes with Homecoming King.
So, I've got my opening line.
Oh, my God. Did you see how excited he is?
Yeah, isn't that great?
No, it's not great.
Chris is not Homecoming King material.
He doesn't have a chance of winning.
We gotta be at that school tomorrow
to help pick up the pieces when he loses.
- (MICROWAVE DINGS) - Oh! My Hot Pocket!
Ow! It's hot!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Oh, that must be Jerome.
What the hell is Jerome doing here?
We didn't order any drinks.
No, he and I got plans.
We're gonna go down to Carver High School
and look at that mural of black achievement.
They got a manila folder taped over Dr. Cosby's face.
What? Cleveland, you didn't tell us
you had plans with Jerome.
Some things are my business.
You don't tell me when you play with yourself.
Well, if you checked my Twitter feed, I wouldn't have to.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
And if you elect me,
I will be as good a Homecoming King as a touchdown.
(ALL WHOOPING)
And our final nominee for Homecoming King
is Chris Griffin.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
(FEEDBACK)
Thank you. I'm Chris Griffin.
Webster's Dictionary defines smegma
as a sebaceous, cheese-like substance around the head of the penis.
But what is a king?
Oh, God, this is already hard to watch.
Like that Bourne movie where they couldn't get Matt Damon.
We're facing a bio-chemical attack of untold proportions.
Unfortunately, Jason Bourne is not available.
Who have we got?
We have the sixth-billed guy from The Avengers.
The arrow guy who frowns a lot.
Uh, okay.
Does he look like Bourne?
Yeah, yeah.
He sort of looks like a young Popeye.
Well, sounds like he's the right guy for this.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right, students, the votes have been tabulated,
so, if you could all look up from your phones for a minute,
I'll tell you who won.
(KEYS CLACKING)
Children, a man is talking.
All right, I better head down there.
I brought a bag of marshmallows
and a belt for Chris to bite on during his meltdown.
And this year's James Woods High Homecoming King is
Chris Griffin.
- Yay! - (CROWD APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHING)
Holy crap!
I don't believe it. Chris won.
All right, now it's time for these four poor kids
to thank you for subsidizing their lunches.
ALL: Thank you.
Mean it.
ALL: Thank you.
All right. Time for my car nap.
Hey, there he is, the new king.
I already called and quit my job.
Peter, he doesn't get money for being Homecoming King.
- Does he get land? - No, of course not.
Does he get this joke?
(IMITATES AUSTIN POWERS) Shagadelic, baby!
Ah, Austin Powers.
Oh, very good. Very good, my liege.
Well, Chris, since you're royalty now,
I made your favorites.
Dinner for breakfast?
That's right. Pork chops and French onion soup.
Oh, boy!
Well, as King, I shall eat this breakfast
on a tray in front of Wheel of Fortune.
I'll get the TV tray, Your Majesty.
How does nobody see what's going on with this Chris thing?
What are you talking about?
Well, it's obvious.
The only reason they elected him King
is because they're gonna prank him at Homecoming.
Shut up, Hat. That's my brother.
They're not gonna mess with him.
He's the man. He's got real Griffin beef in those trousers.
Meg, how can you be so sure?
Because this kind of stuff happens
all the time to unpopular kids.
They're just trying to embarrass him and make him look stupid.
You don't really think they're going to pull a prank on Chris, do you?
I don't know.
But if they are, we gotta get down
to that school and talk them out of it.
Good idea. And luckily, I'm great
at connecting with that generation.
Like when I went on that campout with One Direction.
So they checked into their hotel suite,
but the mini-bar had no sparkling water,
- only still! - (ALL GASP)
Ah, stop.
It's too scary.
Oh, but that's not all.
They looked in the wardrobe
and discovered that the stylist
had only brought non-skinny jeans!
- (ALL GASP) - Do you mean, like,
a Levi's 513 skinny-straight?
- No. Just regular pants that fit normal! - (ALL GASP)
That's not real, right? Those aren't real.
Of course not, Louis, it's just a story.
Well, I guess that means these aren't real!
ALL: Ah!
Yeah, they're gonna die in the woods.
Simon, are they tagged? They're tagged, right?
- Oh, they're tagged. - Good.
Simon, did I ever tell you the one
about the loose-fitting T-shirt?
No, no, no, no, no!
All right, if we want Cleveland
to stop spending all his time with Jerome,
we gotta remind him how much fun we are.
So, let's just have fun.
- How do we do that? - I don't know.
Little bit of this?
Okay, that seems like fun. What about one of these?
Yeah, sure, there's no wrong moves.
What if I brush my shoulders off?
Original ideas are preferred, but sure.
Three fun guys, room for four!
I don't know if it's working, Peter.
I don't know if it's fun.
It's more than fun, it's foon.
That's a fun way to say "fun."
Hey, how foon would it be if we waved sticks around?
I really don't know what we're doing.
It's foon, from the word before. I don't see what's... Ah!
All right, first, let's take your blood pressure.
'Cause that's, like, our favorite thing to do around here.
Okay, we all know how much Cleveland loves TecmoBawl,
so let's start playing.
I'm the Raiders. I'm Bo Jackson.
And, hopefully, he'll show up.
That's no fair. Bo Jackson's too fast.
Guys, do we want Cleveland back or don't... Here we go.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (PETER CHUCKLING)
PETER: Bye-bye.
QUAGMIRE: See, Peter? He's too fast.
PETER: You gotta tackle me. It's You gotta press
QUAGMIRE: I'm pressing he's too fast.
PETER: Going over here. Going over here now. Never get tired.
JOE: Change your guy, Quagmire, change your guy.
QUAGMIRE: I'm trying. Peter's cheating. You're cheating, Peter.
PETER: I'm not cheating. I'm following the rules.
I'm just really good.
QUAGMIRE: You're not really good,
you just got Bo Jackson.
JOE: Bo Jackson also played professional baseball.
QUAGMIRE: Shut up, Joe, everybody knows that.
JOE: Kansas City. Royals.
PETER: Can't stop. Won't stop.
Bo... Might... Go...
All... The...
Nope, going back the other way.
QUAGMIRE: What? Are you going backwards? Just score!
PETER: Nah, I'm gonna run out the quarter.
QUAGMIRE: I'm not playing now. My controller's down.
PETER: Seems like your controller's been down the whole time.
JOE: Who's Veris? You gotta switch out Veris. Get it to Ronnie Lott.
Pretty much anyone but Veris.
PETER: Oh, no, I'm all the way back here now.
I'm in my own end zone. What am I doing?
Too bad I'm not Bo Jackson. Wait, I am!
QUAGMIRE: Ridiculous.
PETER: Oh, yeah.
There you go, Quagmire. You're about to tackle me.
- But then... - QUAGMIRE: Damn it!
JOE: Less than a minute.
QUAGMIRE: Shut up, Joe!
JOE: He's gonna do it. He might do this.
PETER: I don't know. Lot of football still to be played here.
QUAGMIRE: I'm hitting reset. PETER: Don't you dare hit reset.
You hit reset, you're banned for life.
QUAGMIRE: I hate this.
- Joe, do you wanna play? - JOE: Nah, I like being this guy.
PETER: A zig, a zag... A touchdown! Yeah!
I won the game. And now I'm gonna jump.
Bo Jackson!
All right, if we want to get Cleveland back,
we should just put out his favorite snack.
An open can of tuna.
Often, he'll come running when he hears a can opening.
Peter, stop.
Yeah, I think it's time we addressed the elephant in the room.
There's a simple reason Cleveland
is hanging out with Jerome and not us.
Jerome is black. And we're not.
Yeah, I mean, you can't blame him.
It's just a thing they have in common.
Something they can bond over.
Well, I guess that makes sense.
I suppose people do wanna be with their own kind.
Like the audience at a Decemberists concert.
Good evening, white guys who weigh less than their girlfriends!
(FANS CHEERING)
God, lot of gym teacher suicide memorials in this place.
All right, let's find the coolest kids here
and see if they know anything about a prank on Chris.
Those chicks in the skirts look pretty cool.
Hey, there. Brian Rockwell. This is my friend, Stewie Goldberg.
What?
I don't know my way around the school
so I figured I'd get the deets from a couple of seniors.
Download me.
Brian... It's not Goldberg, by the way.
We should ask about the prank.
(SOFTLY) I'm earning their trust.
Hey, I'm new here, but you know what'd be crazy?
If me, a guy, went in the girls' room with you two.
I mean, that would be... That'd be so wild.
We should... We should totally just go in there.
Brian, stop.
That'd be hilarious. I'm in.
(SOFTLY) Stewie, go wait in the car.
No, we are here to get information about Chris.
(MUFFLED) I said, go wait in the fucking car!
(GROANS)
They had security guards in the bathroom.
We live in such a culture of fear now.
Hey, guys, what are you doing here?
And why are you dressed like that?
Well, we realized you like hanging out with Jerome
because he's black.
So we wanted you to know we can be black guys, too.
Yeah, in fact, we can even be famous movie black guys.
I'm Bagger Vance.
I also am Bagger Vance.
I'm Kazaam, from Kazaam.
You really think I'm only hanging out with Jerome
'cause he's black?
I hang out with Jerome because, unlike some people,
he actually takes an interest in my life.
And he would never stick me with the bill
by walking out on me at The Clam.
Well, we could have come over and graciously apologized,
but we took a chance.
That's what I like about us.
Sucks we didn't find out what kind of prank they're gonna pull on Chris.
I know that book is The Hunger Games
with the cover taken off.
Oh, look, something on TV.
And finally tonight, a moving story from James Woods High
where the student body has made
their Homecoming a special event
for a very special bay.
And this year's James Woods High Homecoming King is
Chris Griffin.
- Yay! - (CROWD APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHING)
TOM: That's right, Chris Griffin,
a tubby spaz with a heart full of dreams
gets to feel normal for a night,
thanks to the kindness of his peers.
BOTH: Oh...
I just see him walking around with his hands down his pants all day,
and he is just so fat and weird, so we feel bad.
Yeah, last year, we did the burnt-up kid, so this was a slam-dunk.
Oh, my God. They just elected him out of pity
because they think he's mentally challenged.
Kind of like we did with George W. Bush, huh?
(SNICKERS) Right?
(SIGHS)
I guess. I guess, Brian. I don't know.
Let's just watch some commercials.
Well, that explains it.
The only reason Chris is Homecoming King
is that all the other kids feel sorry for him.
Do you think he knows?
I can't imagine.
And we can't tell him. It would destroy him.
(IMITATING TRUMPET)
Look away. No one may meet the King's gaze.
So, hey, congratulations again on that, uh, Homecoming thing.
Why congratulate me on a right and natural turn of events?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I shall select three things from Stewie's room
that I wish to be mine.
There's a book in there on how to eat healthy.
Why don't you take that, you fat bitch?
Well, he obviously doesn't know it's just a pity vote.
In fact, this whole Homecoming King thing
seems to have just gone straight to his head.
I know, he's acting like an arrogant jerk.
CHRIS: Quiet, Rupert,
it is an honor to serve the King in this manner.
Brian, this can't go on. Chris is out of control.
He's even more arrogant than
an actor-writer-director.
Well, my script is brilliant and I'm a great director.
The question is, how bad do I want this part?
(CRYING) Okay, I'll do it.
Well, now we know,
neither of us likes crepes.
See, that's another thing we got in common.
In fact, you wanna hear something crazy?
Peter and the fellas think that
you and I only hang out together
because we're both black.
- Uh-huh. - But I told them that's insulting.
Why is that insulting? People like to be with their own.
I mean, you don't think I hang out with you
because of your endless stories
about working your remote control, or your fat son,
or how you once made a dog shake it's head "no."
I manipulated the cheeseburger, what, like this.
You boring, man. But you black. So, we cool.
That's racist. I'm offended.
Whatever. I'll see you around, Cleveland.
Man, I guess this whole friendship was a bad idea.
Just like Goodyear's advertising strategy.
All right, we have $14 million to play with.
I say we spend it all on blimps.
'Cause who do we wanna reach? Drivers.
And where are people looking when they're driving a car?
Straight up.
Squire, my chamber pot needs emptying.
What's he talking about?
He's been pooping on the waffle iron.
Just plug it in and close it, it'll burn off.
Look, Chris, you know, being Homecoming King
doesn't mean you can just start acting crazy.
I can do whatever I want.
I've been acknowledged by my peers as their superior.
You're just jealous 'cause you've never done anything
that deserves being elected King.
Okay, you wanna know the truth?
They only picked you because they felt sorry for you.
Sorry? Why would they feel sorry for me?
Well, because they all think you're a, um... You know...
Groundskeeper-at-a-public-institution kind of guy.
A what?
A dope. An idiot. A waterhead.
You guys don't know what you're talking about.
Tonight, when they put that crown on my head,
it's gonna be the greatest night of my life.
Even better than when I had my first kiss.
(ALARM BUZZING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
I say, we were a little hard on Chris, but I'm glad we came.
- He's still my brother. - Hey, look.
There's the security guard that threw me out of the bathroom earlier.
And he's here with his wife.
This is like a date for them.
Good evening, fingerers, and fingerees.
Sorry, I had a little rum in the car.
Anyway, please welcome your Homecoming King,
Chris Griffin.
(STUDENTS APPLAUDING)
Good evening, subjects.
The boys' shower shall run red with the blood of my enemies.
- We believe in you! - Good for you, Chris!
No one clap too loud. We don't wanna frighten him.
Wait a minute.
And now, your Queen, prom night car-crash victim,
Kathleen Fitzpatrick.
ALL: Aw...
We miss you, Kathleen!
You're heaven's Queen now!
BRIAN: Wow, she was hot.
The Queen is a dead girl? What does that make me?
(GASPS) Brian and Stewie were right. This was a pity vote.
BOY: We love you, Chris!
You love me? You don't even know anything about me.
You just voted for me to make yourselves feel better.
She was on PCP that night, you idiots!
Chris, I'm so sorry.
That's okay. You guys tried to warn me.
Sorry I was such a jerk.
Ah, don't worry about it. Are you okay?
You know what? I am.
I may not be King, but I learned I don't need anyone's pity.
That's the spirit, Chris.
And, hey, you're not the Homecoming King,
but you'll always be my brother.
Thanks, Stewie. It means a lot to me to know
I've always got my family looking out for me.
Oh, hey, Chris. This is Tyler.
Don't make this weird now.
(CHUCKLES) What a gentleman.
Well, Cleveland, it's good to have you back, buddy.
It's good to be back.
Hanging with Jerome was fun,
but my best friends are right herein this room.
Hey, to celebrate, how about we play
a little old-school Double Dribble?
Okay. But no stupid-ass shots from the corner.
Because that's a glitch in the software.
Game on!
All right, bring it up the court. And, corner three!
CLEVELAND: No, no, that's what I'm talking about!
PETER: Steal.
Up. Corner three!
CLEVELAND: All right, here we go. I got something cooking.
PETER: Oh, you dropped something.
Think I'll head over in this direction. Corner three!
JOE: It's a rout. It's a blowout.
CLEVELAND: It's some bullcrap.
JOE: Couple of nice passes there... Hey!
PETER: See? Competitive ball game.
What should I do? Pass, and then go up...
And, corner three!
CLEVELAND: All right, enough of this mess.
QUAGMIRE: Shoot it. Shoot it from there.
JOE: The refs are letting them play. I do appreciate that.
CLEVELAND: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Now, I'm playing for real.
PETER: Yeah, you're doing pretty good.
What play should I call now? Maybe... Corner three!
JOE: He's hot. He is hot. Keep feeding that guy.
PETER: Hi, nice to meet you. Can I have that?
Hang out over here for a second.
- Corner three! - JOE: You gotta get out there, Cleveland.
CLEVELAND: I'm trying! He's taking advantage of poor technology.
PETER: Lot of dribbling. Swipe.
Here we... Oh, I hit the wrong button.
I think you all know I was going for a corner three.